Top 5 Reasons You Should Fear Zombies by Todd Ritter
I’m afraid of many things. Snakes, for one. And spiders. And heights. And asteroids the size of Texas hurtling toward Earth.
Oh, and zombies. I’m terrified of zombies.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Todd,” you say, “if zombies scare you so much, why, oh why are you writing about them?”
The answer is simple: Someone needs to sound the alarm that zombies should be feared. They’re not funny. They’re not misunderstood. They’re mindless hordes of putrefying flesh that feast on brains. They must be feared! To strengthen my case, I present the Top 5 Reasons You Should Fear Zombies:
1. THEY WANT TO EAT YOUR FLESH: This really should be obvious, people. Zombies don’t want to be your friend. When they burst through your door, they’re not there to borrow a cup of sugar. The only thing a zombie wants is to gnaw on your tasty flesh. That’s it. They’re like the shark from Jaws — lean, mean killing machines that want to sink their teeth into you. Do not trust them.
2. THEY’RE SLOW: In the beginning, zombies were slow, stumbling creatures that couldn’t outrun a lethargic turtle. Just look at the original Night of the Living Dead. Those zombies lurched through cemeteries and fields in no particular hurry. They almost seemed humorous that way. You want to munch on my brains but you can’t even speed-walk?!? It turns out, slowness was their secret weapon. It made their victims underestimate them. A deadly mistake.
3. THEY’RE FAST: These are the zombies of more recent movies. 28 Days Later. The remake of Dawn of the Dead. They run like the wind, which makes them all the more terrifying. If I had to face a horde of mindless flesh-eaters, I’d choose the slow ones. At least I’d have a chance of outrunning them. But these speedy guys? I wouldn’t have a prayer.
4. THEY’RE UNDEAD: I know some of you Twilight fans out there might really dig the idea of immortality. It has some appeal, especially that never dying part. But zombies are different. They’re already dead. Yet they’re also not dead. It’s a weird in-between stage where your body is technically alive but your soul — the very thing that makes you human — is gone. That’s a terrifying place to be.
5. THEY WANT TO EAT YOUR FLESH: I know, I know. I already mentioned this one. But, honestly, if you’re going to continue to like zombies, then it bears repeating.
Todd Ritter is the author of the mystery DEATH NOTICE, published by Minotaur Books. He lives in New Jersey, where he suspects there are already a few zombies roaming its malls.
He was born and raised in rural Pennsylvania. An editor and journalist for more than 15 years, Todd began his career as a film critic while attending Penn State University. Currently, he lives in suburban New Jersey, where he is hard at work on the next Kat Campbell mystery. Visit him online at www.toddritteronline.com.